Hard Times (again)

I have been through many hard times in my life, and I will officially deem this as one of them.

My relationship with my father is bipolar in nature. It never ceases to amaze me how two grown men can be best friends in the morning and at each other's throats by supper time. I have found over the years that my father, no matter how often he lies to me, does not trust me. He pretends to trust me by allowing me to have certain freedoms that every twenty-year-old should have, but deep down he expects me to fail. This pessimistic attitude is one that has been tearing my family apart for as long as I can remember, and it is to the point now that my dad is unwilling to listen to us when we are correct in spite of him.

Recently my family adopted, my dad changed the layout of our home, and new expectations were unfairly thrown upon me. The new boy, Austin, is twelve years old and has a severe case of ADHD which means someone has to constantly be paying attention to him. The problem with that is my sisters are completely unwilling to help out which unfortunately means that I have to take care of him. I don't mind doing it every once in awhile, but the fact that he is thrown upon me every time my parents want a break bothers me. No matter how often I hint to my sisters that I also need a break they just ignore it, and force me to watch him. It is true that I have the option to just ignore him, but any time something goes wrong or I refuse to watch him my parents get very angry at me (especially my dad). I am trying my hardest to be patient and help my family out, but I am not receiving any help or encouragement from the other side. In fact, instead of encouragement I get ridiculed for not treating Austin as well as they I should. It has become evident to me over this past week that my parents truly don't care that I have my own life and my own ideas, goals, and opinions. They expect me to wait on them hand and foot when I am home and do whatever my new younger brother asks me to do. I've told them more than once that I need to have boundaries, and even thought they agree with me, they still get upset when I say no every once in awhile.

Tonight my dad and I got into another big argument. My dad came up stairs and walked straight up to me and told me that a cup of water had been spilled on one of Austin's favorite book. He told me that I needed to be more careful when I walk by his stuff, and that I should have more respect more Austin's things. The problem with this was that the cup of water in question had been spilled by Austin who had spilled the water in the morning when he got out of bed. I didn't even go near his things until about four o-clock in the afternoon, and when I did I moved the tipped over and empty glass away from my xbox which had come very close to being destroyed by a cup of water. I told my dad this and he flipped out. He had already solidified the idea that I knocked the glass over, and that I don't care about Austin's things in his head. He got mad at me for ever suggesting that he was wrong, and then called me prideful, arrogant, and unwilling to admit that I am wrong. This is just one of probably ten arguments that me and my father have had this past week, and all of them have the same root cause. My dad gets an idea in his head and when I say anything that does not agree with his idea he flips out. It wouldn't be so bad, but my dad is unwilling to listen. I will start to explain my side if the story, and every time I get close to making a point that is against anything he said he stops listening and yells at me to shut up. He is blinded by his own pride and it is, and has been tearing me apart. He makes me feel like dirt; he treats me like a slave, and doesn't have an ounce of respect for me. He could tell me every day that he loves me, and I would be confident that he doesn't like me at all. I don't know how this happened or what I did to lose his trust and cause so much animosity between us, and I don't know how to fix it. The only solution that I can come up with is to move out of the house, but that idea upsets them even more, and I don't want to disconnect from my family on bad terms. I want them to be a part of my life and to be there when I have children and start my business, but I do not know how to salvage my relationship with my father.

I am just so exhausted. I need a break. I want to go someplace far away from everything that I know, and be at peace. I am angry right now, and I don't want to go to sleep. The Bible tells us to not let the sun go down on our anger, but my father is sound asleep and I am not the least bit tired. I am so lonely right now, and my family doesn't understand. I can't blame my sisters for having boyfriends, but it would help if they were a little more understanding and encouraging. I just wish I had someone near me that I could talk to who would just sympathize with me without offering advice. I need that so badly. I know that God's grace is sufficient, but I think my connecting pipe got clogged because it doesn't feel like any of it is getting to me. I know I need to trust Him more and be more patient, but I am just so tired. I'm so tired of being alone in this place that I loathe so much...Oh Jesus, please come fix this mess.

~Matt