MATT'S BLOG

New Blog

2009-02-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I decided to create a new blog because of some convenience issues. The new URL is:

http://www.mattroop.blogspot.com

Unfortunately it will not allow me to manage this blog under the new email address. So, I will post a link on here to the new blog, and a link on the new blog to here. That way, if I make a reference to an old blog post you'll still be able to read them. I have a lot of copying and pasting to do...I want all these to be in word documents...ugh.

Recent Revelations...

2009-02-04T17:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, since the Sunday before last, God has been showing me things about my life that I never thought possible, and that I still don't completely understand. My is not to make predictions about my future; but rather, my goal is to explain what God has been showing me, and to let you know how I feel about it.

I went to a new church two Sudays ago and I don't think I'll ever go back, but the experience was definitly a good one. The pastor talked that Sunday about the walls we build in our lives that keep us from from doing God's will. I went home that afternoon feeling very challenged, and that night I spent a long time on my knees talking to God about the walls that I had built. The highest wall in my life is the fear of failing. My fear of failure has kept me from doing God's will for quite some time, and I am positive that it is the reason why God has waited until now to show me the things that He has shown me this week.

The following Monday morning I felt lead to start praying about marriage. I thought it was odd that God would ask me to pray about marriage right now since I've committed myself to singleness for this next year, but I started praying anyways. I started by praying first that God would prepare me and my future wife both spiritually and mentally for marriage (something I used to do every day and wish I had never stopped), and then I prayed for God's timing as well. That was the tricky one for me because, in my mind I already had an idea of when I thought I would be prepared to get married. I've had this idea that I needed to have a degree and a steady job indoctrinated into my mind by so many people, and I bought into that idea. I mean, it seems like the practical and intelligent thing to do, but God told me no this week. God told me last wednesday, and then confirmed it in my mind again on Monday night, through an article I read, that I do not need to have a degree or a full time job to be married (even though both would be nice). Going back to what I said before, my fear of failure has kept me from trusting God with every area of my life. And my fear of failing financially within the confines of marriage is something that absolutely terrifies me. God reminded me this week that as long as I trust Him and honor Him with my life He will provide everything that I need. I guess it's kind of sad that I forgot how much God provides since I get to see how much He provides for my family every day. God has made it very clear to me that I need this year to prepare myself for marriage, and beyond that I don't think I should say much more right now. God is good and I am so thankful for all that He is revealing to me right now, and I am so excited about what the future holds. I'll be writing more on this later because there is so much more to this, but right now I don't think it would be wise for me to share too many details.
It's just exciting to me too know that God is moving inside of me and has amazing plans for me.

~Matt

My Motion Picture Problem...

2009-02-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

This post is for the sole purpose of telling you that I have decided not to make my list of movies; however, I will be watching a lot of older movies. The reason I have decided to do this is that I am going on a sort of "movie fast"(an idea I drew from "The Bravehearted Gospel). I'm not cutting movies completely out the picture, but I am going to be cutting a lot of my favorites out of my life because of the thoughts and feelings they cause within me. If I am going to honor God with every aspect of my life I must guard my thoughts, and reviewing movies does not build me up in my spiritual life so I am giving them up for now.

~Matt

P.S. This isn't really what I wanted to write today, but the topic I would like to talk about is something I need to think about and pray about more before I think I'll be ready to share my opinion on it. So, stay tuned, and sorry for the "cop-out" post.

P.P.S. If you can make it through the 4 hours...Ben-Hur is an amazing movie. Really cool movie with an absolutely wonderful ending. =)

My New Favorite Class, and Something That Got Me Fired Up!

2009-01-31T20:08:00.000-08:00

I know I said in my last post that my Small Business management class was my favorite, but after class today I think I've changed my mind. My Legal Environment of Business class is really good! It's far and away my most difficult class, but the professor really cares about his students learning, and does everything he can to challenge us. Today in class he taught us all of the basics of court jurisdiction, and after that he taught us every step of a courtroom trial. It is all very fascinating to me, and if I didn't want to start my own business so badly (along with a few moral issues I have with our judicial system) I would consider going to law school instead of getting an MBA. Speaking of getting an MBA, I was talking to my LEB professor during the break that he gave us during class today, and he told me that I might be better off getting my masters in organizational management since I want to start my own business. I've always assumed that getting an MBA was just the logical next step for a business man fresh out of college, but I don't see anything wrong with this idea, and I think it is definitly worth looking into. So, I am going to start praying about whether or not this is the direction that God wants me to go in.

I am learning so much right now that I can barely take it all in, but I absolutely love it! Learning is a passion of mine that drives me and inspires me to obtain the maximum amount of knowledge that my brain can retain (both Biblical and Academic). I am tired of Christians being labled as unintellegent and bias individuals.

I recently had an encouter at work with my boss who asked me what sort of Christian I am. Dumbfounded, I responded by saying, "I'm the sort of Christian who believes that Jesus died on the cross to save me, and I'm the type of Christian who would rather skip church and live a life that honors my God than go to church and pretend to love Jesus so that everyone around me thinks I'm a good person." She just looked at me for awhile and said, "Matt, you're the first Christian that I've ever met that I actually believed." She continued saying, "Matt, you know where I stand as far as religion goes (agnostic) because you were willing to ask me. . .which, now that I think about it, most people wouldn't ask their bosses that." She said, "The problem I have with Christianity is that most Christians believe the Bible without knowing anything about it. They try to shove an idea down my throat, and they can't even answer simple questions about it." The thing she said to me next is the one that fired me up, and hurt me deep inside. She said, "Matt, why would I want to believe in something when the people who believe in it don't seem to know what they're talking about?. . .Why would I want to be part of a religion/faith that is backed by people that seem so UNINTELLIGENT."

"But sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence."
-I Peter 3:15

HOW ARE WE DOING?

~Matt

School is Back in Session...

2009-01-29T11:32:00.000-08:00

The big list aside for now, I'd like to post something that is actually going on in my life for once instead of writing something vague that only kind of applies to my life (like I tend to do so often). As my only reader knows, I just recently started taking classes at Pulaski Technical College (a community college in Little Rock, AR). I am enrolled in 5 classes:
Microeconomics, (MWF)
Human Resources Management,(MWF)
Small Business management,(MWF)
Accounting 2,(T,TH)
and
Legal Environment of Business.(S)

School has only just begun; however, I have already encounter some very interesting people. I have three classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and for the most part they are all simple. The problem is that nobody else in the classroom thinks that these classes are simple.

Lets begin with Microeconomics, or as I like to call it, "Obama is going to save the world-conomics. Just for the record, every single one of my professors is very outspoken about how much they dislike President Barrack Obama. That being said, the entirety of this 9am class consists of students shamelessly raising their hands and reassuring my economics professor that our new President has everything under control, and there's no need to worry about what she is trying to teach. I rather enjoy sitting back in my chair listening to ignorance get owned by intellect...It just makes getting out of bed on Monday worth it.

My next class starts promptly at 10am, and heaven forbid I'm ever late to this abomination of a class (-5 point just for being tardy). Let's just put it this way, Human Resources Management is the most pointless, boring, and unintelligent class that I have ever had the displeasure of attending on a regular basis. Ironically it is the only one taught by a professor with her doctorate. I'm not going to even begin to talk about her ridiculous standards for such a lame class. Instead, I want to talk about an encounter I had with a guy whose name I forgot, but for the sake of having a name we'll call him "Goldy" because, Goldy has the largest two front teeth (and the worst breath) that I've ever encountered, and one of them happens to be gold. I'm convinced that Goldy doesn't know how to speak English because I haven't understood a word that he has spoken to me yet, and he sits next to me every day Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. More on Goldy later...

My third and final class on MWF is also my favorite class. Small Business Management is probably the easiest and most entertaining class that I have ever taken. My professor is a tightly wound 30-something woman who hates taxes more than anything on the planet. She owns a couple of businesses, lots of rental property, has 4 kids, and her husband is apparently a lot smarter than she is (that's all she said about him). This class is awesome! We don't have tests, and it's basically just a free-for-all. 80% of the class doesn't understand that the purpose of the class is to learn how to start a business, so instead of asking relevant questions, they treat the class like it's some sort of Q & A on how to get rich quick. Let me tell you, these people are dumb, and it's so sad to hear some of their questions...I'll take notes on the stupid questions asked tomorrow so I can have an example, but trust me when I say it is very hard to keep from laughing out loud every class period; in fact, the professor laughs at them for me...It's just sad.

So there's my Monday, Wednesday, Friday in a nutshell...more to come soon...

~Matt

Upcoming list...

2009-01-24T20:53:00.000-08:00

After creating a short list of movies for my best friend this afternoon I started to think about which movies are my favorites. I would consider myself a quasi movie-buff/nerd, and I definitly appreciate movies that are not only well made, but have good storyline and acting as well. So, with all that said, I've decided to put together a list of my favorite movies. I will attempt to put them in order, and I am not going to set a limit on how many movies I will choose. I have never chosen a favorite movie before so this is going to be difficult for me to do, but I'll try not to have a tie for first (it may happen anyways). I'll compile the list over the next few days, and it probably wont be my next post.

~Matt

This is where I'm at right now...

2009-01-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

"Whatever You're doing (something heavenly)"

by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me

All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

But I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestoneTime to begin again

Revaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow your will

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is you want from me

I give everything I surrender...To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but now I can see

This something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly

Something heavenly

It's time to face up

Clean this old house

Time breathe in and let everything out

I love this song! I've been listening to nothing but christian radio lately (and I usually never listen to the radio) and everytime this song comes on it reminds me that God is working inside of me. The line that says, "It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace" describes exactly how I've felt these past few weeks. I've felt absolutely torn apart for the last two weeks, but through it all I've had a peace about me that can only be from the Lord. This song has great lyrics, and reminds me every day just how important it is for me to allow God to break me down and mold me like clay in His hands.

A dream...

2009-01-20T16:48:00.001-08:00

I started writing this yesterday, but I wasn't able to finish it. I still think it's worth posting.

Early this morning I decided not to wake up at my scheduled 7:30am wake up time. Instead I slept until 8:30, and I'm glad I did. During that hour of extra rest the Lord gave me a vision of a narrow dirt path running straight through a beautiful forest. The path itself was ugly, and just wide enough to walk on without touching the lush green forest around me. The forest was immaculate. The trees were thick, but perfectly spaced, and every needle and leaf was placed in just the right spot on the ground. The forest was much more inviting than the path, but I knew I had to keep walking on the path. The longerI walked on the path the more beautiful it became, and I stopped looking at the forest around me. By the end of my dream I realized that the beautiful forest had changed into a dead, overgrown, wasteland. The path was glowing and beautiful and lead to a beautiful place that I could only catch a glimpse of every once in awhile off in the distance. Just before I woke up I heard a voice saying, "Stay on the path."

God uses so many different ways to communicate with us, and for me He uses dreams. I have wandered off of His path so many times thinking that where I was going was beautiful, but I was wrong every time. Lately, I've been realizing how important it is for us as christians to not only block out the things around us that want to pull us off of God's path, but to realize how beautiful God's path is. I can't wait to see what is further on down the path.

~Matt

Authentic Manhood...

2009-01-19T16:16:00.000-08:00

I remembered something today, during my quiet time, that I heard Robert Lewis explain at Men's Fraternity (A leadership training thing for men who want to be real Men). He said a real man is a man who is willing to:

Reject Passivity
Accept Responsibility
Lead Courageously, and
Expect the greater reward (God's reward).

It struck me today that I am not fulfilling the requirements of a real man. I thought I was doing fine; I was saying the right things, having a daily time with Jesus, and I have a job and go to school. But where am I leading? Where exactly am I stepping out of comfort zone for Jesus? I am adding a new goal to my goals/resolutions for the year of 2009. This year I am going to get uncomfortable for Jesus. I'm going to start by going to a new church (on time) this week, and I am going to try to be as actively involved as I can be. I want to be a man after God's own heart so that when people look at me they see Jesus first.

~Matt

The Good Things...

2009-01-18T13:58:00.000-08:00

I could easily use this post to write about the plethora of negatives in my life right now. I could right about my family's lack of money, my awful school situation, or even how I feel inadaquate because I have a dead-end job and go to a glorified highschool for college. But I am sick of focusing on the negative things in life. I am dedicating this post to all of the good things in life. To my friends that make me smile when I'm having my hardest days; to my God who has become my closest friend in my time of need, and to anyone who has ever remembered me in their prayers - Thank you - I wouldn't be where I am today without all of you. I am blessed to have such great people in my life.

~Matt

Struggling...

2009-01-16T00:09:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to fall asleep tonight, and I am struggling to find a remedy. I've been laying in my bed since 11:30pm (it is currently 2:10am) trying to fall asleep, but I can't get my mind to shut down. The ferris wheel of thoughts keeps turning over and over in my head. There are many passengers, but none of them ever get off the ride, and the ride wont stop until it's completely empty. The worst part is that I'm the guy making this sick ride spin. I'm the only one who can stop the ride, but I don't know how. I just don't know how. Oh Jesus, please help me beat this.

~Matt

Some changes...

2009-01-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

God is good - it's as simple as that. He has done so much for us and we willingly ignore His blessings every single day. I've noticed lately that I take for granted many things that the Lord has given to me. Like this body that I live in for example. To be completely honest, ever since I got home from school in December I have treated my body terribly. I haven't exercised in weeks, I eat all the time, and I stay up very late at night. Not any more though! I'm done! I'm done being lazy. No matter how boring or depressing my life may be at the moment - that is no excuse for me to be lazy. Starting tomorrow morning, I am going to work out very hard each day. It is going to be hard at first, but I don't care. I need the discipline in my life right now, and I really want to be in better shape. God is so good to me, and I am not going to squander His gifts any longer.

~Matt

A Long Day

2009-01-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

The day began early, struggling to fall asleep until nearly one in the morning, I realized that I was only going to get about four hours of sleep. I was right. Five-thirty came, and so did the half asleep shower that I regretably took. I got all of the necessary papers together, jumped in my car, stopped at McDonalds, and drove to Pulaski Technical College to register. I arrived at the school around six-thirty, two hours too early, and waited for the line that I had anticipated. The line didn't arrive until ten after eight and the staff that should have been there before eight didn't show up until eight-thirty. So I, frustrated and exhausted, proceeded to regurgitate my social security number and every other bit of irrelevant information that was asked for until I was told to go and wait in a different line. Much to my delight, the next line was friendly. I was met at the door by a kind middle-aged woman who offered me a seat. I sat and waited for a couple of minutes until my name was called. When I heard my name I sluggishly stood and strolled over to the door from which I heard the voice. I was offered another seat, which I took graciously, and was asked for my desired class schedule for the spring semester. The nice lady who listened to me told me that I could take almost all of the classes that I wanted, and I walked out of that room satisfied. Nine o-clock came and went, and it was nine-thirty when I found the back of the next line that I was meant to wait in. Two hours later I reached the desk and was told that I needed to have my grant transfered by tomorrow or else I would get booted out of all of my classes that I had just registered for two hours earlier. After a few frustrating phone calls I managed to resolve the issue, and then I only had two more stops to make before I could leave that awful student center. The last two stops were conveniently easy, and I managed to get out of there just before noon. I was first in line and it took me almost six hours to register for classes. I think Pulaski Technical College is the most unorganized school that I have ever been too, and if you know where I've been, that's saying a lot.

~Matt

What God is Teaching Me

2009-01-04T11:54:00.000-08:00

God really spoke to me today while I was reading "My Utmost for His Highest" Today's passage was about waiting on God's will for your life and the importance of waiting for God's timing.

This is what the passage for January 4th says:

Why Cannot I Follow Thee Now?

"Peter said unto Him, Lord why cannot I follow thee now?"

John 13:37

There are times when you cannot understand why you cannot do what you want to do. When God brings the blank space, see that you do not fill it in, but wait. The blank space may come in order to teach you what sanctification means, or it may come after sanctification to teach you what service means. Never run before God's guidance. If there is the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt--don't.

In the Beginning you may see clearly what God's will is--the severance of a friendship, the breaking of a business relationship, something you feel distincty before God is His will for you to do, never do it on the impulse of that feeling. If you do, you will end in making difficulties that will take years of time to put right. Wait for God's time to bring it round and He will do it without any heartbreak or disappointment. When it is a question of the providential will of God, wait for God to move.

Peter did not wait for God; he forcast in his mind where where the test would come, and the test came where he did not expect it. "I will lay down my life for thy sake." Peter's declaration was honest but ignorant. "Jesus answered him. . . The cock shall not crow, till thou hast denied Me thrice." This was said with a deeper knowledge of Peter than peter had of himself. He could not follow Jesus because he did not know himself, of what he was capable. Natural devotion may be all very well to attract us to Jesus, to make us feel His fascination, but it will never make us disciples. Natural devotion will always deny Jesus somewhere or other.

This is such a great reminder of just how important it is for us to wait for God's timing, trust God's will for our lives, and how important it is for us to know who we really are. God loves us all very much, and He has a divine plan for each of our lives...Lets put our focus back on Him

~Matt

Resolutions...

2009-01-01T14:57:00.000-08:00

I have never been one to make New Years Resolutions, but I think now is a good time to start.

This year my goals are simple: I am going to:

-Work out very hard to get my body into the best physical shape that it can be in.

-Perform to my full academic potential while exploring new and exciting knowledge everyday.

-Commit myself fully to God by seeking Him daily through my quiet times, and daily activities.

-Honor God with all the words that I say and thoughts that I have.

-Pray without ceasing and become a man after God's own heart.

These are my goals for the year 2009 and beyond.

Happy New Year Everyone!

2008-12-31T15:59:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I hope you all have a wonderful night of fun and fellowship. Drive safely, and I miss all of you who are not here with me...

~Matt

I'm going to press on...

2008-12-30T22:23:00.000-08:00

Today has been a long day for me. Not because it was a bad day, but because I felt very alone. I have so many things to think about, and there are so many things wrong with me that need to be changed that I'm shutting down. My system has finally overloaded and I can't function anymore. I haven't been taking care of myself, I look and feel awful, and I'm not happy at all. I don't undertand how I got to this place, but I looked in the mirror today and realized that I am falling apart. I am trying so hard to succeed and get everything worked out for school this next semester, but nothing seems to be working. I am receiving no help from anyone, and I'm very afraid that I wont be going to school this semester (which would be absolutely heartbreaking). I am scared and alone, and I'm having a very hard time trusting God right now...Please pray for me. I am trying so hard, but my walls are crashing all around me.

~Matt

Hard Times (again)

2008-12-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

I have been through many hard times in my life, and I will officially deem this as one of them.

My relationship with my father is bipolar in nature. It never ceases to amaze me how two grown men can be best friends in the morning and at each other's throats by supper time. I have found over the years that my father, no matter how often he lies to me, does not trust me. He pretends to trust me by allowing me to have certain freedoms that every twenty-year-old should have, but deep down he expects me to fail. This pessimistic attitude is one that has been tearing my family apart for as long as I can remember, and it is to the point now that my dad is unwilling to listen to us when we are correct in spite of him.

Recently my family adopted, my dad changed the layout of our home, and new expectations were unfairly thrown upon me. The new boy, Austin, is twelve years old and has a severe case of ADHD which means someone has to constantly be paying attention to him. The problem with that is my sisters are completely unwilling to help out which unfortunately means that I have to take care of him. I don't mind doing it every once in awhile, but the fact that he is thrown upon me every time my parents want a break bothers me. No matter how often I hint to my sisters that I also need a break they just ignore it, and force me to watch him. It is true that I have the option to just ignore him, but any time something goes wrong or I refuse to watch him my parents get very angry at me (especially my dad). I am trying my hardest to be patient and help my family out, but I am not receiving any help or encouragement from the other side. In fact, instead of encouragement I get ridiculed for not treating Austin as well as they I should. It has become evident to me over this past week that my parents truly don't care that I have my own life and my own ideas, goals, and opinions. They expect me to wait on them hand and foot when I am home and do whatever my new younger brother asks me to do. I've told them more than once that I need to have boundaries, and even thought they agree with me, they still get upset when I say no every once in awhile.

Tonight my dad and I got into another big argument. My dad came up stairs and walked straight up to me and told me that a cup of water had been spilled on one of Austin's favorite book. He told me that I needed to be more careful when I walk by his stuff, and that I should have more respect more Austin's things. The problem with this was that the cup of water in question had been spilled by Austin who had spilled the water in the morning when he got out of bed. I didn't even go near his things until about four o-clock in the afternoon, and when I did I moved the tipped over and empty glass away from my xbox which had come very close to being destroyed by a cup of water. I told my dad this and he flipped out. He had already solidified the idea that I knocked the glass over, and that I don't care about Austin's things in his head. He got mad at me for ever suggesting that he was wrong, and then called me prideful, arrogant, and unwilling to admit that I am wrong. This is just one of probably ten arguments that me and my father have had this past week, and all of them have the same root cause. My dad gets an idea in his head and when I say anything that does not agree with his idea he flips out. It wouldn't be so bad, but my dad is unwilling to listen. I will start to explain my side if the story, and every time I get close to making a point that is against anything he said he stops listening and yells at me to shut up. He is blinded by his own pride and it is, and has been tearing me apart. He makes me feel like dirt; he treats me like a slave, and doesn't have an ounce of respect for me. He could tell me every day that he loves me, and I would be confident that he doesn't like me at all. I don't know how this happened or what I did to lose his trust and cause so much animosity between us, and I don't know how to fix it. The only solution that I can come up with is to move out of the house, but that idea upsets them even more, and I don't want to disconnect from my family on bad terms. I want them to be a part of my life and to be there when I have children and start my business, but I do not know how to salvage my relationship with my father.

I am just so exhausted. I need a break. I want to go someplace far away from everything that I know, and be at peace. I am angry right now, and I don't want to go to sleep. The Bible tells us to not let the sun go down on our anger, but my father is sound asleep and I am not the least bit tired. I am so lonely right now, and my family doesn't understand. I can't blame my sisters for having boyfriends, but it would help if they were a little more understanding and encouraging. I just wish I had someone near me that I could talk to who would just sympathize with me without offering advice. I need that so badly. I know that God's grace is sufficient, but I think my connecting pipe got clogged because it doesn't feel like any of it is getting to me. I know I need to trust Him more and be more patient, but I am just so tired. I'm so tired of being alone in this place that I loathe so much...Oh Jesus, please come fix this mess.

~Matt

The Day After...

2008-11-28T10:04:00.000-08:00

So, it is the day after Thanksgiving, and I think we all lost sight of the meaning somewhere around 11:30 last night. Today, "Black Friday", is a holiday killer in my mind. It causes us to forget that we were giving thanks for all the things that we take for granted, and depletes our bank accounts just in time for Christmas. It makes me sad to think that our nation has gotten so caught up in our own consumerism that we have forgotten what these holidays are all about. Christmas was never meant to be a holiday about gifts, and Thanksgiving was never meant to be about a turkey.

For those of us who do not have any money it is easy to stay home on "Black Friday" and wish we had money for all the "incredible sales", but I think it is truly a blessing to be broke. I think that God is using this time in my life to teach me the true meaning of these holidays that I have mistreated in the past. So, lets us remember this holiday season that Christmas is not about gifts, and yesterday was not about turkey. Lets make a point of focusing on God this holiday season.

~Matt~

The Antithesis of Hurting...

2008-11-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up with a heavy heart. The reason my heart is so heavy is because Jesus is inside of it breaking away all the bad things that I have let into my heart. I know the process is going to take a long time, but it needs to happen. I have not been allowing Jesus to take complete control of my heart because every time that I do He shows me something that I don't like about myself, and that I don't want to change. I need to feel the pain of Him breaking my heart down so that he can heal it, and build it back up again. It's going to take time, and there will definitly be pain involved, but I'm ready to have my heart restored again. I'm ready to let go, and allow Jesus to take my life completely from me. I'm finally willing to trust Him.

~Matt~

When Loneliness is the Strongest Emotion...Jesus is the best choice...

2008-11-16T16:22:00.000-08:00

Outside of the children that I teach in Sunday school, I have had no human interaction today. However, I have had some of the best conversations that I can remember today. I would be lying if I said I haven't been lonely, but talking to Jesus all afternoon was great. Even though a good portion of it was silence, the presence of the Lord was good enough for me. The Lord told me some things today that I have been needing to hear for quite some time now. Some of them were encouraging, and some of the things He told me were very hard to accept. I struggled with the Lord today, but the nearness is what I needed. It doesn't matter if He beat me up a little. I just needed to be close to Him.

Today is one of those days when I wish I was extravagantly rich so that I could just fly away without a care. Today, I want to fly to the Himalayas and get lost in the mountains for a couple of years. I want to be in a place where there is nothing but God's unstained creation all around me. I want to be so immersed in His spirit that I have to beg for a break just to catch my breath, but I never want that break to come. I just want His presence to engulf me so that nothing that is not of Him can get through the force field of His goodness that surrounds me. I want to be so near to my Lord that everyone around me sees Him first, and I never want that to change. I have been chasing after the Lord for a long time now, but this time I am not going to give up at the first sign of fatigue. The Lord will be my strength, and I will never tire in my pursuit after Him. It is truly a shame that I do not have a couple million dollars lying around to travel the world and be alone with my creator, but I guess that means I'll just need to be a little more creative myself in trying to pursue Him.

~Matt~

The Blueprints to the Disaster I have Created...

2008-11-16T12:36:00.000-08:00

I've noticed a pattern in my life. Whenever I am given something or buy something, like a video game for example, I feel like I must conquer it. I enjoy it to its fullest extent, and then I trade it back in for something new. I hate this pattern in my life, and there are so many things that I wish I hadn't tried to "conquer." I want to learn how to slow down and appreciate what I have, and grow fonder of what I have with everyday. What I've learned is that if you rush through something great you have the tendency to miss a lot of the good parts because, you're way too focused on getting to the ending.

I am pretty upset with myself today. I have been living my life in patterns, and I am so sick of it. The patterns that have been established in my life are hurting the only people I care about, and I need to break these habits. I don't try to live the way I do...I just need to learn how to slow down, and not take the things I have in life for granted. I am such an idiot for not being careful with the things God has put in my life, and I don't tolerate myself being stupid. The only thing I can do today is seek the Lord and ask for His forgiveness. I need Jesus in my life so badly right now...I just need Him to hold me.

~Matt~
*************************************************
Today I have nothing better to do than read my Bible, pray, and write on my blog. So, that is what I'll do. I am being reminded today that the love of God is unconditional, and even though I have been dishonoring my Holy Father with my actions...He still loves me.

Some verses that I have read today:
1Co. 10:23-24
Song of Solomon 2:7
Prov. 3:5-6
Mt. 22:37
Mt. 5:8
Is. 30:20-21
Eccl. 3:1-9
Ps. 91
Ps. 23
Jude 1:17-23
Rev. 4:8-11
Eph. 3:14-21
1Co 13: 4-13

Are you educated?

2008-11-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

The question, "what is an educated person?" Came up in class today, and I don't think that I agreed with my teacher's perspective on the topic. In class, the teacher drew two parallel lines on the white board and called it a road. He said that this road was our path of learning, and unless we goes outside of that path to learn new things; we are not considered to be educated people.

I disagree. I think that college is a season of life in which we take classes specific to our future vocations. This teacher of mine said that he believes that we need to go outside of our majors to learn many different trades instead of just one. My argument to that was that during this season of life we should be focusing on of specific majors, and any extra study should be done after/outside of college. I think it's ok to do independant study while you're in school, but when it interferes with your end goal it isn't necessary. I believe that someone can start a major in business at a big university, only talk to people in his/her department, graduate, and even though this person didn't study anything outside their major; they can be considered educated.

I stated in the previous paragraph that I believe that extra study should be saved for after/outside of college. I absolutely believe that even a college graduate can be considered uneducated if they discontinue their studies after they finish college. There are so many things that as adults we need to know beyond what college teaches us, and I think that if we quit studying after we finish college that we are just wasting the vast majority of our lives. The typical college student graduates with their bachelors degree between the ages of 21-23 years old. The average human lives to be 65-70 years old. So, if a person we're to quit studying at the age of 23 imagine how uneducated they would be compared to what they have the potential to be.

So, basically, my point is that I beieve that just because someone doesn't study a bunch of different topics in college; doesn't mean that they are uneducated. I believe that it is important to pursue further education after college whether it is in the form of getting another degree, or if it is just reading the newspaper every day. I believe that forcing students to take classes that have nothing to do with thier majors is wrong, and I believe that liberal arts colleges who believe in that structure of education set their students up to fail. They keep their students in school longer than they should be in school because, their students are not taking the classes that they need to graduate. The teacher who suggested this liberal arts idea to me is one of the administrative staff who makes a lot of decisions for our school, and I feel like the school I go to is failing because of this liberal arts mindset that they unknowingly practice. Students here do not typically graduate on time, and it's becuase the ones who are not ministry majors have to take a load of classes that have nothing to do with their specific majors. I have suffered because of this, and I feel really bad for any student who has to go through the same struggles that I've had at this school. I am looking forward to transfering in the next couple months, and I am definitly excited about getting a real education. I just hope that I'm not too far behind because of this school.

~Matt~

Let us Pray

2008-11-07T06:41:00.000-08:00

"I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.”
-I Timothy 2:1-2

I am typically pretty apathetic when it comes to politics. However, God showed me this verse today and reminded me that even though I don't agree with our current President-elect; I need to pray for him, and show him the respect he deserves as my authority. I don't like Barack Obama, and I'll never agree with his policies or his morals. However, I will love him by the grace of God because he is the man that God has positioned as the President for this time. I encourage anyone who reads this to remember to pray for our nation, pray for our president, and remember to thank God for all that He has given to us here in America. Let us not take for granted all of the blessings that we have.

-Matt-

Hanging by a Moment here FOR you...

2008-11-06T11:42:00.000-08:00

"Hanging by A Moment" by Lifehouse
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Theres nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you

I listened to this song the other day and thought to myself, "Am I really so eager to hear from the Lord again that I'm hanging by every moment?" Since that day, I think I've achieved a better understanding of what this song describes. This week I've been absolutely desperate for Jesus to whisper in my ear and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I've been wanting so badly to here his voice, and I am literally on the edge of my proverbial seat waiting for Him to say something. I am constantly positioning myself in places and situations where I think He'll be, but to no avail. I have come to the conclusion that God needs me to wait for Him. He has been waiting for me for a long time, and I think it may take a little longer than I personally want it to for God to whisper in my ear again. Until that day; I'm going to praise Jesus and honor Him with everything I am. I'll just have to learn to wait from the edge of my seat.

-Matt-

My Roadblock

2008-11-05T10:50:00.000-08:00

This week has been far and away the worst of my life. I would be dishonest if I said right now that I'm ok; so, I wont lie to everyone. Something inside of me is broken. I don't think it's my heart, but it is definitly a wrenching feeling somewhere in my chest. It is absolutely tearing me apart to see my best friend hurting so badly. I want to run to her, give her a hug, and tell her everything is going to be ok, but I can't. God needs me to run to Him, and to guide my best friend to Him too. I want so badly for my best friend to know that it's not her fault that I'm hurting. Yes, it does make me sad to see my best friend hurting so badly, but it isn't her fault that this was such a bad week or me.

The thing I'm stuggling with the most right now is giving everything to Jesus. I'm finding out more about myself this week than I ever have before. I've realized that even though I say it everyday, and I tell other people to do it...I don't completely trust Jesus. That is my biggest struggle right now. I have been convincing myself for the past year that I gave my entire life to Jesus, but the truth of the matter is that now that there is something in my life that I don't want to give up. I'm having a very hard time trusting the Lord. I know that giving it up for now is what I need to do, but I keep going back and forth. I guess the reason I'm writing this is to say that the two goals I have set for myself are to pray without ceasing as Paul suggested, and to become a man after God's own heart like David. I have hit a roadblock on my path, but please know that even though it's taking me a little time to climb over it; I will make it over, and I will learn to trust the Lord with everything in my life. Just keep praying for me.

-Matt-

Aquiring Wisdom

2008-11-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

So, I have made a decision. I have decided that I am going to learn something new on my own everyday for the rest of my life. I never want to stop learning, and I think I'd get bored if I wasn't trying to learn something new. It may sound a little lame, but this is one of my new goals.

Then he taught me and said to me,
"Let your heart hold fast my words;
Keep my commandments and live;
Acquire wisdom!
Acquire understanding!
Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth.
Do not forsake her, and she will guard you;
Love her, and she will watch over you.
The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom;
And with all your acquiring, get understanding.
Prize her, and she will exalt you;
She will honor you if you embrace her.
Proverbs 4:4-8

I think that this passage in scripture sums up my goal fairly well.

Oh, and as a sidenote, I'm having a very difficult day today. The Lord is really dealing with my heart, and it is hard. My heart feels very heavy today, and I don't have any energy or motivation to get any of my work done. The only reason I have for finishing school this semester is that I get to leave this school, and leaving means living at home which I'm not sure I'm ready for. This next year scares me and excites me at the same time; however, I think the excitement outways the fear by just enough to keep me going.
-Matt-

My New Favorite Song

2008-11-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

"Breathe" by Anberlin
This is surrender
To a war-torn life I've lived.
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist.
No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside.

No need to hide anything anymore.
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
'Cause I realize.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

I can finally breathe.
Suddenly alive.
I can finally move.
The world feels revived.

I really like this song. It really describes how I've felt lately. I have finally surrendered the battle that I have been fighting on the inside. I've let God win, and I feel like I can finally breathe. Even though the transitions I'm going through are going to take time to get used to, and are going to be really hard. I'm glad that I'll be transitioning with Jesus.

-Matt-

2008-11-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

Jami Smith\ Your Love Is Deep
Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I travel
Wider than the gap You filled

Who shall separate us
Who shall separate us from Your love
Nothing can separate us
Nothing can separate us from Your love

We sang this song in Church today, and I absolutely love it...Trying to imagine that God's love for me is "deeper than my view of grace" blows my mind! My view of grace being that Jesus died for me; thus, giving me the free gift of eternal life which could only be done out of unconditional love. If God's love goes even deeper than that, and it does, than my entire life should reflect that love. I want my entire life to be a reflection of God's love for me. I want that to be the first thing that people notice about me,and the only thing they remember. God is so amazing.

-Matt-

2008-11-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

I've realized in the last two days that there are very few people in my life who actually encourage me. I think I've needed some encouragement more in the past two days than I ever have in my life, and there doesn't seem to be anyone around me who undertands enough to encourage me. There is a serious lack of Godly men in my life who encourage me, and that is something I drastically need. I know that only my close friends read this (possibly a few others) and I would like to take this opportunity to ask you all to be praying for me. I haven't slept the last two nights, and I'm afraid that I'll develop some of the same poor sleeping habits that I've had in the past. Please pray for me...

-Matt-

God is good...

2008-10-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day despite my previous post...I spent some much needed time with the Lord today, and I feel a peace that can only be from Jesus. I am no longer upset; I wish I had done a better job, but I know that the Lord redeems, and I trust that He will continue to direct my path. I still have my best friend in the world, and for that I am thankful...God is so good to me, and I don't deserve it. I think I'm going to be ok.

-Matt-

Empty...

2008-10-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like an empty glass in the middle of a desert. I'm longing to be filled, but I know that it would't help today because, I'm still in a desert. I need someone to come along and carry me out this awful place because I'm slowly dying, and I ache inside. I am the one who walked into this awful desert, and I've realized now that I'm in the middle that I do not have the strength to get myself out.

Right now, I need Jesus in a way that I have never understood before. I have been trying learn as much as I can about Him, and in the process of my study, I forgot to spend quality time with Him. I can honestly say that Jesus is my best friend, and every day that I don't spend time with Him is miserable. I am so broken today.

My heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and I realize that it is completely my fault. I dragged one of the most precious things to me through the mud, and didn't respect their value. I thought that I knew what I was doing. I thought that I knew what God ws telling me, and I thought that I was strong. I was wrong...I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong! And now I'm broken, I'm hurting, and I'm confused. All because I was not obedient to my Father. I will not ever let that happen again. Because Jesus has found me in this desert, and He will get me out.

-Matt-

Doubt

2008-10-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been making a lot of decisions that have quite a bit of wieght on my future. This past month has been very rough for me here at Ecclesia, and I feel like God is calling me someplace else. I have been very sick for the entire month of October; in fact, I have only kept a few meals down since I've been back at school. My class work greatly outnumbers the ammount of education that I'm being given, and I'm finding it hard to remain joyful.

I have made the decision to listen to the Lord, and follow Him wherever he tells me to go. Right now, I believe that God is telling me to go to Pulaski Technical College for one semester to finish up a few of my general studies classes, and then transfer to UALR in the fall. This was not an easy decision to make. I have been praying about it a lot this past month, and I feel like this is the right thing to do.

Even though I feel like this is what God is calling me to do; I am still unsure about what the future holds. This past week my mind has been attacked with doubt, and plauged with worry. It's affecting every area in my life, and I hate that I've allowed these things that are not of the Lord to take me over. It has been causing me to think only of myself, and ignore the people around me who need me most. I realize that I am not perfect, but some days I feel like I need to be and I wish I was. The constant fear of failure is tearing me apart, and is hurting the people around me as well.

God is good, and I know that He has redeemed me, and I know that He doesn't expect me to be perfect. I am choosing to put my trust completely in Jesus, and I am no longer going to let myself or any other circumstance come in the way. I am so thankful to have a savior who loves me enough to buy me back even when I've sold myself into the slavery that is sin. I cannot be perfect, and that is ok. I'm just so happy that God wont ever leave me feeling empty; in fact, the longer I allow God to pour into my life, the fuller I'll become until I'm overflowing with Christ. That is where I want to be; standing next to Jesus with Him pouring into me. Without any doubt in my mind that I can trust Jesus.

-Matt-

Torn...

2008-09-24T11:00:00.001-07:00

My mind has been racing these past few days. God has been showing me so many things about my life tha He doesn't like, and I feel completely torn apart. I've sinned against the Lord in ways I promised myself that I wouldn't, and even though I know the Lord forgives I still feel broken. I want so badly to live wholly devoted to Christ, and I'm trying as hard as I can to get myself right with Him again.

What I've realized is that I've been allowing myself to become the center of my life, and I've left God out. This past week tore me apart; I spent the majority of my time wrestling with God for control in my life. He won, and left me broken with a promise to rebuild me stronger than I was before. The rebuilding process is going to take time, but I know that life will be better with God leading the way.

I've listened to Further Seems Forever's album "Hide Nothing" about 30 times this week, and this song really stuck out to me.

"Lead the Way" by Further Seems Forever

I'm not above asking/
for your help/
I'm not above asking/
I know myself/
For you to find a way/

I'm not above trying to understand/
I'm not above trying to take your hand/
I'm not above (I'm not above)/
I'm not above trying to understand/
I'm not above trying to take your hand/
I'm not above (I'm not above)/

You come closer to me/
Breaking through to you/
And closer, hiding all/

You know me better than I do/
It's better if you lead the way/
You know me better than I do/
It's better if you lead the way/
You know me better than I do/
It's better if you lead the way/
You know me better than I do/
It's better if you lead the way/

Life is so much better with God leading the way...I regret ever letting myself come in between my relationship with God, and I'm going to let Him lead from now on.

-Matt-

Back to School...

2008-08-19T14:54:00.001-07:00

I survived my long summer, and now I am back at school. Classes don't start until Monday, but I'm here to work and get the freshmen ready for their first semester of school. My room is nice, unlike last semester when I didn't even have a door for my room. This new room beats the heck out of the hallway that I lived in last semester. However, it's still a dorm room, and consequently, not much to look at.

I feel like the Lord is really going to do a lot of work in me this semester, and I'm excited to see which areas of my life are going to be changed. I just can't wait for classes to start so that I have a consistant schedule again...

I'll be updating much more regularly now that the school year is upon us because, why would I want to do homework when I could be blogging?...haha, well, maybe I'll do a little homework.

-Matt-

A Quick Update...

2008-07-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I only have a few minutes, so this ones going to be a bit shorter.
The Lord has done such great things for us here in Peru. The Conquerors were awesome, every single one of them is completely sold out to Christ, and that helped our team so much. We´ve seen 15,000 people come to Christ, and I don´t think Peru will ever be the same.

We head back home on the 23rd, so keep that in your prayers. Also, keep praying for my back, and my sleep. When I get home I need to find a vehichle, so keep that in mind as well, and be praying for my dad´s neck as the bones continue to heal.

Thanks everyone,
-Matt-

Chillin' today for the big event tomorrow...

2008-07-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

Hello again from Peru. I hope all of you are doing well, and thankyou for your prayers. I have a few minutes to update so here we go. Earlier this week the strength team that we're working with arrived, and we've been doing ministry with them all week in schools here in Lima. It's been absolutely incredible! The first day we had 1,000 kids raise their hands and pray to recieve christ into their hearts. And yesterday there were well over a 1,000 more. I had to take today off because my back has been very sore. Please keep praying for healing for my back. Tomorrow the strength team has a big event. We're expecting at least 20,000 people, but I think it'll be much more than that. It's going to be a long day, and probably a little nerve-racking to perform our dramas in front of 20,000+ peruvians...So keep us in your prayers tomorrow. We'll need it. God is still teaching me a lot, and I can't wait to get a nice big cheeseburger when I get back...

-Matt-

Wow....

2008-07-07T10:19:00.001-07:00

Wow, what a week!!! The Lord's work has been so evident here in Peru this past week. So many people are coming to know Christ, and it is just amazing to see how willing they are to serve Him. Yesterday we spent the entire day evangelizing with a church, and inviting people to the church service last night. At the end of the service, the pastor got up and said a few words, and 40-50 people came up front, and we prayed for all of them...It was a very humbling experience to lay hands on and pray for people who can't understand a word we're saying. But it was amazing to see how the Holy Spirit moved through the language barrier. I am learning a lot about myself, and what kind of leader the Lord wants me to be. I am learning a knew confidence in my faith that I did not have before, and I am learning how to pray without ceasing, and the importance of praying without ceasing because, there is a constant spirtual war going on, and Satan tries even harder to attack those who are working against him, but The Lord is good, and has been protecting our team very well. Keep me in your prayers, and keep my team in your prayers...Pray for my sleep, and for my back. I haven't been sleeping well, and my back is very sore. I can't wait to get back and share al of my experiences with you guys, and I could really go for a cheeseburger right now...lol....
-Matt-

God is good...

2008-06-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

God has been so good to our team here in Peru so far. We´ve had so many great opportunities to minister to people, and the people here are so amazing. Our first few nights we led a service at a local church here in Lima, and the people loved us. I spoke on the importance of spending time with God, and reading His word. the pastor really like that I challenged the church, and they gave us really cool hats. All of the Peruvians call me Superman, or supermatteo...it´s really funny because I´m so much bigger than everyone here.

We went door to door last night, and about 7 people came to christ, and our team healed a young boy named eduardo who was very sick ,and was on his way to the hospital. God is showing us just how powerful he can be, and it´s awesome!....I have to go now, but I´ll update again soon.

-Matteo-

A message from Peru...

2008-06-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

Despite popular belief, I am still alive, and I am having an excellent time here in peru. We are living at communidad de fey church here in Lima, and so far everything has gone very smoothly. We found out around 3 o-clock yestersay afternoon that we were speaking and leading worship at a small church at 7 last night, so that was interesting. We are going back tonight, and I am speaking on how to read your Bible, and the importance of spending time with God. I´m excited to have the opportunity to speak, btu I´m a little nervous. I don´t have much time to write right now, but I´ll try to update again later...
-Matt-

Working For the Weekend...or maybe a little more...

2008-06-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

Work, every normal person does it. Work is an unavoidable experience that helps us earn money, reputation, and character. I really enjoy having a job. I function better with a consistent schedule. I would rather come home soaked in sweat and absolutely exhausted than sit in my chair all day watching Mind numbing Television. Unfortunately, tomorrow is my last day of work this summer. However, I won't be sitting in my chair. I'll be at my other job in Peru. We are comanded in Matthew 28:19 to, "Go and make disciples of all nations..." Last time I checked...Peru is a nation. So, I am going there with a team of about 10 people from my school. I will be gone for a month, and I will not be updating my blog until I get back (unless I find some internet and time..though I doubt I will have much of the latter). I will be sure to have plenty to talk about when I get back...so for all 3-4 of my readers...farewell until my return.
-Matt-

"From the Inside" by Spoken

2008-06-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

"From the Inside" by Spoken:

If I could tell you what this heart is feeling/This would be a whole lot easier/Could you tell me what my heart is feeling/Would you make this easier?/My life is in your hands, my life is yours/Take this man and cleanse me from the inside/For a moment could I see your face?/Teach me how to love you the way that you love me/I will wait for you/And I surrender, I surrender all that I am/All my pride and anger/All of me, this heart is yours/To you I surrender, I surrender all that I am/Take my life, use it for your glory/To you, to you, I surrender all that I am/All my pride and anger/All of me, this heart is yours.

Some would say that bands who scream can't write meaningful lyrics...this would be my response to those people.

-Matt-

Where I've Been Lately...

2008-06-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4 NASB).

This has been my theme verse this week. The past week or so, I have been facing some serious trials. I wont get specific, but basically, Satan has been feeding me lies, and has been causing me to doubt myself and others. It has been as though I've had a weight on my shoulders for the past week or two, and it was wearing me down to the point where I was on the brink of making some very poor decisions. However, God is very good. He came through when I needed Him the most. On Tuesday night I was at maybe the lowest point I've been at for some time. I was bitter about things for no reason, my family was treating me like I'm a moron, and I felt really sick. I skipped work on Wednesday because I was still sick from the night before, but skipping work didn't make me feel any better. I was still worrying about things, and was skeptical about others. I was forming bogus ideas about people in my head that I knew weren't true, and was extremely stressed out. It wasn't until I got home from work on Thursday afternoon that I realized how badly I needed to spend some time with God. So, I grabbed my running shoes, and went out the door. I argued with God for close to 3 miles before I nearly collapsed of exhaustion; now that I look back on it, that was a stupid thing to do on a 96 degree day, but it was worth it. In that moment of exhaustion I felt lighter, stronger, and more energetic than I had felt in a week. I felt the presence of God flowing through me again, and realized how stupid I had been for trying to live life on my own. No matter how physically or mentally strong I may be; I am hardly anything compared to God...So from now on I'm letting Him make the decisions.

-Matt-

Who am I to you?

2008-06-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

Today I was thinking, and I had an extraordinary thought (or at least it intrigued me). So I've decided to write about it because, I believe it's easier to figure things out when I can see them on paper, or a computer screen in this case. It may seem like a common place issue, but today I was talking to a good friend of mine over dinner (you know who you are). We were talking about different people that we know/knew/thought we knew, and I started wondering what people say about me when they talk about me, or if they even talk about me at all. I honestly have no clue what people think of me, and for the longest time I really haven't cared. Or maybe I just pretended to not care. I can't imagine what people would have to say about me; especially with as much as I've changed in the past year. I suppose a large group of people would still say that I'm a jerk, and that I treated them like crap because I did, and for that I apologize. Another group may say that I'm nothing more than an arrogant jock; which was true at one point in time. On the other hand, there may be people that see me as a role-model, or as a loyal friend because, at times, I think I was that as well. Then there are the people who've known me over the past year that I hope would say, "Wow, you've changed a lot, and I can see God in you." That above all else is what I want people to talk about when they talk about who I am. I can't change who I was in the past, and I wouldn't want too. My past has made me into who I am today. It has shown me the importance of having complete faith in Jesus, and how good He is. I guess what I realized today is that while I'm sitting with my friends talking about people I know. I need to be careful because, they talk about me to, and I have no right to judge people becuase I am no better than they are. In fact, I may actually be worse. So, to conclude this jumbled thought of mine I'd like to say this: Let's be careful in the way we talk about other people; especially when we call some of them our friends. We have no right to judge. The final say is up to God. Lets just love one another as we love ourselves because, I don't often here myself or anybody else rag on themselves the way most of us rag on our friends.

-Matt-

Some Neccessary Changes...

2008-05-30T15:53:00.000-07:00

To those of you that actually check to see if I've written anything...sorry. Life has been busy. As all 3 of my "faithful readers" know; I get up to work at 7:00am, and by the time I get home at 4:00pm I'm exhausted. I've been going to bed at 9:30 every night which really limits my time for anything other than sleep. However, one thing I am making time for is drastically changing who I am spiritually. I started reading "Passion & Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot this week, and after reading the first 10 chapters I'm realizing that just believing and trusting God with my life isn't enough. I always say that I want God to be first in my life, and I believe that He is, but if you followed me with a video camera you'd notice that I often skip reading my Bible, or that the time that I spend reading it is a little short. I've learned many other things from this book, but I am not a good enough writer to fully express how what I've learned is affecting my life. I just want to make a point of not just thinking about God, and saying an occasional prayer during the day. I want God to be the center of my life, and I want to be sure to spend time with Him before I do other things. I want to get to the point where I can't function if I haven't spent time with Jesus...I want my life to be more than what it is.

-Matt-

I must be 12...my family treats me like I am...

2008-05-18T20:21:00.001-07:00

To tell the truth, life at home is really frustrating. I do my best to interact with my family, and have a good time hanging out with them, but the problem is that my parents still treat me like I'm 12 years old. There are only a few things in life that really frustrate me, and having my intelligence questioned is one of those things. Especially when it's my own father that treats me as though I'm a complete idiot in need of his help with everything I do. He seriously thought that I was cooking my frozen dinner wrong tonight, and when I told him that I was fine and didn't need any help using our microwave (which we've had for a couple years now), he continued to try to show me how it works...I mean cmon! I'm not a complete moron. There are retarded kids that know how to use the microwave. Why does my dad act like I don't know anything? Why can't he ever assume that I might actually know what I'm doing? I can't take much more of it. I'm just glad I work every day, and that I don't have to have a whole lot of interaction with him because, I'd probably flip out before it's time to leave...

-Matt-

New job, old stress, and a little rant...

2008-05-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting in my room; bored out of my mind, watching family guy on my computer, and wishing I had some money to do something fun. Even though I can't seem to fix my boredom problem. I have found a solution to my money problem. Thanks to a friend of mine's dad, I have a job. This summer I will be working for a general contractor doing form labor. It's going to be tough work, but I feel like it will be very rewarding. Not only will I be doing a lot of physical activity, but the pay won't be half bad either. I'll be working somewhere around 40 hours a week which is less than I'm used to, but I think it'll be enough. I'm just hoping that I'll be able to find some energy because, to be completely honest, I'm exhausted. I'm really glad I have the job, but at the same time I wish I didn't have to work. I need a few weeks to just relax, and let my body recover from the stress.

Speaking of stress. Life since I got home has been hectic, and sadly, no different from when I left last August. I expected there to be at least a little change, but I'm finding out the hard way that my family is still very disengaged, interogative, and argumentative...It's a miserable atmospher to live in. However, home is home, and I'm thankful for a place to live. After all is said and done they are still my family, and I still love them despite our differences...

In other news, I would like to rant about something for just a moment. I'm trying to figure out why gas prices continue to rise when the oil/gas companies are already making 300% profit. Why can't our government shut them down, or at least force these huge corporations to lower their prices because, this is becoming a monopoly in which all the gas companies are working together to keep prices through the roof. In a country where more than 50% of couples get divorced, and 50% of those divorces are caused because of financial issues; this makes me sick. Gas prices are ruining America in more ways than just financially.

-Matt-

The end of a Season, and the Anticipation of a New One...

2008-05-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

The end of every season of life brings much anticipation of the next season. It causes us to ask questions like "what does the future hold?" "Was I productive in my last season?" and, "What do I do about it now?" When I look back at my first year of college I am amazed at how much I've changed. When I first stepped foot on campus I was just an overconfident high school boy who didn't have a clue about what it means to be a college student, or a man for that matter. This past year has taught me discipline, both academically and spiritually. I've realized that to be a man is to "reject passivity, accept responsibility, lead courageously, and accept the greater reward...God's reward" (Robert Lewis). This is something I learned in my senior of high school, but I didn't realize the importance of applying it to my life until my second semester of college. I have to admit; I was pretty stagnant during my first semester of college. I played along with all the Bible students, and pretended to be a good person because I wanted to fit in, but what I realized was that I was wasting a ton of time pretending to be someone that I wanted to be. It didn't make a whole lot of sense, and the only logical solution was to change. So I did. I'm not the guy that I used to be, and I have all the great people at my school for that. I have been blessed to have such great men and women of God surrounding me at my school, and I can't thank them enough for the encouragement that they've given me. I am going to continue my education at the same school for as long as I can in hopes that I can continue to grow in my relationship with God, and possibly be a good example to someone that might be where I was last September. Right now I'm just trying to get through the summer. I already miss everyone at school (some more than others), and I've always found it to be difficult to focus at home. So, if you do happen to read this; please be praying for me. It is going to be very difficult to have a regular quiet time with my busy schedule, and having that quiet time is something that I need desperately. In conclusion to this mess of a post I'll say this. I've just finished possibly one of the most productive seasons of my life, and I can't wait for the next one. I just need to survive the down time.

-Matt-

The Difference...

2008-04-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

Point of Difference by Hillsong

"the tide is turning/this is redemptions hour/in the midst of a world lost for love/You are all we have now/the lost returning/salvation is all around/in the midst of the world broken down/You are all we have now/for You are God and this hope is ours/so Father open the skies/flood the earth with Your light/this is love/to break the world indifferent/our hearts are burning/a fire that won't burn out/in the midst of a world that's grown cold/You are all we have now/the earth resounding/the anthem of your reknown/as we lift up our eyes/and look to Your glory/call us out/let the world see You are /this hope is ours/so call us out/let the world see You are God, as we sing/so Father open the skies/flood the earth with Your light/this is love/to break the world indifferent/as we lift up our eyes/fill our hearts with Your fire/in a world of sin we'll be different, the difference/our eyes are open/every chain now broken/in this world/we are different/let Your love become us/as we live to make You famous/in this world we are different/so call us out/let the world see You are God, as we sing/so call us out/let the world see You are God/one and only/in this world/You are all we have now..."

What an Awesome Reminder that we are called to spread God's word to everyone here on Earth. If we could all realize the importance of being a light in a world as dark as this; we might be able to, "break a world indifferent."

The Closer I Come to You...

2008-04-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

This past year, my life has been turned upside down. I used to be a jerk; I used to be the guy who made fun of everyone for no particular reason; I had an excuse for anything, and I lied about everything. My relationship with my family was a joke. I went to church, and played the role of "good christian guy" while outside of the church I was a person that I wish I'd never been. However, since the end of my senior year, my life has changed drastically. My dad and I have reconciled our relationship, and I've made the decision to make my faith real. I no longer feel like I have to impress anyone. I am just trying to be myself now. This hasn't been easy, but I know that if I hadn't gone to Ecclesia I'd be right back where I started. The atmosphere at this school (though the people are a bit odd) is the right one for me to be in. It is teaching me patience, understanding, and how to be selfless. I've stopped worrying about my own problems, and now I care about the people around me. I thank God every day for my "best friends" and the ways that they build me up, and make me a better person.

This is probably my favorite song:
Cadence by "Anberlin"

"Write down, to remind yourself on how it can be/ how it can be/Heartstrings/you're tugging at my heartstrings/ my heartstrings/Helpless/I have become so helpless/ to your touch, oh touch me somehow/Restless, you leave me restless/breathless wait for me/The closer I come to you/the closer I am to finding God/You're a miracle to me/The closer I come to you/the closer I am to finding God/You're a miracle to me/Burning, like Joan of Arc to see you, just to feel you/Cadence, well I'd dance with the dead 'cause I believe, yes I believe, yes I believe/Stifle, Paul said that you stifle him again and again and again/The closer I come to you/the closer I am to finding God/You're a miracle to me/The closer I come to you/the closer I am to finding God/You're a miracle to me/And if these are my parting words/Grant me this, my last request/Hold me here, until I sleep/If I burn, then I burn for you/The closer I come to you/the closer I am to finding God/The closer I come to you/the closer I am to finding God/The closer I come to youthe closer I am to finding God/You're a miracle to me/The closer I come to you/the closer I am to finding God/You're a miracle to me."

A Random Thought, and a Song...

2008-04-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting in one of my "classes" listening to a guy that repeats himself twice a week for an hour and twenty minutes. I'm not sure if he doesn't realize that he never teaches us anything, or if he really believes that talking about the lives of Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Sam Walton is teaching us about Macroeconomics. He just talks about how great they are, and how much money they make; he never teaches us any theory or practical knowledge about how to actually make money ourselves. It bothers me that I was forced to buy a $180 book for a class that doesn't use it. Maybe after administration gets his review it'll wake him up to the fact that he may know a lot about his subject, but he doesn't know how to teach.

On a completely different and less bitter note. I've been listening to this song a lot, so, I decided to put it up here and say a few words about it.

Alexithymia by Anberlin:

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Don't believe anything you say
Anymore, in the morn, in the morning

Bricks to this old house are breaking
Steel would have weathered but now forlorning
It's alarming how loud the silence screams
No warn, no warn, no warning

Addictions fill the table where the family used to sit
And conversate
Conversate to the sounds
To the sounds of a record player
With it's jumping needle and the lights that grow dim over time

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive

Are you where you thought you'd be
So beautiful and only twenty-three
Opposition rests in the hearts
With no, with no, with no opportunity

It's not that we don't talk
It's just no one really listens and honesty fades
Like a politician lost in the course
All smiles and no one remembers our names

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Don't believe anything I say
Anymore, in the morn, in the morning

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive

I love the lyrics to this song, but it's really the message that makes me like it so much.
"There's more to living than being alive."
So simple, yet so true...

A Couple Random Thoughts

2008-04-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

It's interesting how the immediate future always seems so clear, but when I try to look beyond a couple of months the future becomes blurry. I like to have a plan for everything. I like to know the outcome before the end. Don't get me wrong, I still like surprises, but sometimes it's nice to know when it's coming so I can resond accordingly. Life seems to be speeding past me on a deserted highway. I feel like I'm walking along in the sand; seeing nothing but mirages. I'm just glad I have someone walking with me.

This may not come as a shock to anyone that knows me, but I watched Donnie Darko (again) the other night. It amazes me that I can watch a movie for possibly the 30th or 40th time, and still form new ideas and theories based off of it's contents. I can't help but wonder if the writer of this movie wanted Donnie to be portayed as a Christ figure. I almost hope that the writer wrote this movie as a "message in disguise." I doubt it, but it's a nice thought at least.

Well, class is about to end, and I need to do a few things before our work assembly meeting. So, I may try to post a few more thoughts tonight...but for now, this is all I have.

The Ride...

2008-04-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

As cliché as it may sound; life is a roller coaster. It's fast, intense, scary, and at times a little boring. The easy times are like the simple downhill slopes. They're fun, safe, and put virtually no stress on the body. The stressful times are like all the twists and turns. It's fast and dizzying; the G forces pull you in directions that you don't want to go, but all the while you keep telling yourself that the ride will be over soon, and theres nothing to worry about. The loops are the confusing times; when everything that you thought you knew to be true gets turned upside down and drastically changes the ride. The hard times are like the long climb to the very top of the ride. Theres much struggle, no one really enjoys it, and you're never quite sure what kind of outcome to expect. However, the top of that ride is the most exciting point in anyones life. It's the climax, the pinnacle, the point where you can see everything around you, and everything is clear. It's the point in the ride where everything seems to stand still, and the only way to experience the rest of the ride is to take the plunge to the bottom. It's exciting, exhilarating, and when you get to the end of the ride. Through the good times, bad times, stressful, and confusing times. All you want to do is try it again. It's at the top of the ride where a decision is made. Am I going to enjoy the ride? or am I going to close my eyes, and pretend that nothing bad is ever going to happen to me?...

What keeps me up at night...

2008-04-09T06:36:00.000-07:00

Four weeks of school left, and I'm searching deep within myself for the energy to finish strong. I'm absolutey mentally exhausted. It seems like the only things keeping me going are my relationships with my friends, and my fear of failure. The first one relaxes me, and makes my life much more peaceful. The second keeps me up at night. I try not to worry, but the bar has been set very high for me. I'm the oldest unmarried male in the Roop family, and everyone expects great things out of me. It's not that I don't think I can live up to their expectations, but it's that I feel like I have to, and that makes life really stressful. I've been trying to not worry as much these past few weeks, and it's helping. I'm sleeping better, and I actually feel somewhat rested for once. I just felt like I needed to be honest with the reason for my lack of sleep.

Just Another Rainy Day...

2008-04-08T08:51:00.001-07:00

So, today is rainy, and it has me thinking about life more than usual. I don't know what it is about rain, but it makes me think clearly. I love the sound, smell, and the beauty of rain. However, I wish it were sunny today. We've had way too much rain this semester, and I'd really like to spend some time outside. The truth of the matter is that even though rain causes me to think clearly; sunny days are peaceful. I think too much, and I wish I could shut off my thoughts for awhile. Sunny days help me do that. When I sit outside with the sun on my face, and the cool breeze blowing through my hair, I feel like I don't need to think about anything. And it's those sunny days that I long for.

"Rain, rain, go away,
Come again another day.
Rain, rain, go away.
Come again some other day.
Little Arthur wants to play,
In the meadow by the hay.
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Never show your face again.
Rain, rain, pour down,
But not a drop on our town.
Rain on the green grass,
and rain on the tree,
And rain on the housetop,
but not on me.
Rain, rain, go away,
Come again on washing day.
Rain, rain, go to Germany,
And remain there permanently.
Rain, rain, go away,
Come on Martha's wedding day."

How to save a life...

2008-04-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, something that I've never been able to understand is the concept of suicide. I have never felt pain or been hurt to the point of wanting to end my life, and I imagine that I never will. I can't understand how anyone (especially someone who believes in God) would want to end their life here in exchange for an eternity in Hell.
I have recently been confronted by someone who told me he was going to end his life. At first I had no idea how to respond to what he said. To be completely honest, I was scared. everything within me was hoping that it was just another joke, but when he handed me his phone, and asked me to call his family and inform them about what he was planning on doing. I got it. I knew he wasn't kidding, and I reacted, which is very unlike me. I usually allow people to deal with their own problems because, it doesn't affect me. I've realized that I need to stop worrying about myself so much, and give other people the time of day that they deserve. The good news is that the guy that told me he wanted to end his life is still alive, but he's still struggling. He called me from the hospital tonight and told me that he is going to spend the night in the ICU. He sounded like he was scared to death, all he wanted was to talk to someone. He sounded ashamed, and that broke my heart. I wanted to be there with him; I wanted to give him a hug and tell him that everything is going to be alright. Tonight was the first time I've cried in a long time.
The tears I cried tonight were not sad tears. In fact, I'm not quite sure what kind of tears they were. Maybe sypathetic? Maybe happiness? More than likely they were tears of relief. I feel a certian sense of peace with the situation now that he's being helped. Trying to help him by myself was too big of a burden, and I am so relieved to not have to worry about it anymore.
Even though dealing with this situation was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do; I am very glad that it happened to me. Through all of this I have learned a lot about myself, and about other people. I've learned how do love people that I have nothing in common with, and I've learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I've learned how do deal with conflict ( or at least I'm better at it now ). And I think most importantly of all, I've learned to trust God above everything else in my life. I recently told God that I am done trying to do things my own way, and that I am willing to live completely for Him....And I know that decision made this weekend a lot easier. I just hope that everything will be ok for the the guy in the ICU....I hope by stopping him, I saved his life.